My Blood is Boiling!!

I am not an angry person.  Or maybe I should say I WAS NOT an angry person.  I can't ever remember raising my voice in an argument until I got married.  Of course I was mad from time to time, but I usually worked through it.  Maybe I ate my way through it, but I don't really remember having that tendency as a teen or single adult.  All I know is that my first door slamming, all out yelling, drive away in the car brooding happened during the first year of my marriage.   I remember being surprised by my reaction:  I didn't know I could get that angry!

Fast forward five years.  I was 8 months pregnant with my second child.  Sitting on the floor of my home office crying.  I couldn't figure out how to pack up my office and to finish transitioning it to the new nursery.  Seriously.  I have a college degree.   I am a successful business woman.  And I can't figure out which desk drawer to pack up and what to do with the black and white photos hanging on my wall.  My husband was no help - at least that was my view at the time.  I'm sure he tried to help, but I was so furious at so many things he had or had not done, that I had built up a wall between us.  My best girlfriend flew into town to pack up my office and set up my nursery.  That is how messed up I was.  That is how awesome my best friend is!

My anger took my husband by surprise on a daily basis that month.  Turns out I was showing the first signs symptoms of postpartum depression (PPD) - before the baby had even been born! My OBGYN  confirmed that a lot of woman show symptoms in the 3rd trimester as hormones build and get ready for delivery.  The roller coaster of anger just continued after my son's birth.  I was so happy to have this miracle to hold and love.  Yet, everyone else just pissed me off to no end!  And in all honesty, the things that made me so mad were legitimate issues.  But my raging Bull in a China Shop routine was out of proportion compared to the dishes left in the sink or what ever triggered me on a given day.  It took me awhile to see that I needed help. That is was me more than the trigger that was the problem.  I started medication because my marriage was hemorrhaging quickly.  And we went into therapy as a couple to help us rebuild after many tough months.  My PPD surfaced primarily as anger - not sadness.

Fast forward 4 more years.  I have just managed to wean off of anti-depressives.  It has been a long, slow  process trying to let my body adjust to these changes.  But with support and medical oversight I have been off meds for four months now. And as proud as I am of weaning off...I feel like I am back on that roller coaster.

Yet here's the truth:  the anger is still there!   I'm mad at my daughter for making noise incessantly.  I'm mad at my son for breaking everything he touches and for tormenting the cat yet again.  I'm mad at the dog for refusing to go outside when I know she has to pee!  I'm mad at my husband for a hundred reasons and mad at myself for a thousand more...and on and on it goes!    I'm mad.  I am angry.  I am furious... all the time.

I was heavy when I got married.  But now 10 years later I am almost 70 pounds heavier than I was on my wedding day.  What caused this weight gain?  Was it two pregnancies?  Was it postpartum?  Was it the anti-depressants I was taking?  Was it poor eating to mask my emotions?  Or was it anger?  Is my anger contributing to my weight gain?  Do I bottle my anger more than I communicate it.  Yes.

When people get angry a stress hormone called cortisol is released.  And in woman this elevated hormone is more common.  Excessive cortisol levels are notoriously linked with obesity. 

So I have a problem.  I need to deal with this anger.    I can't control my circumstances.  The dog will pee when she wants.  My son and daughter are who they are: I can mold them but God knows I cannot change them.  My husband is a good man, but we both have our faults and a long way to improve in communicating well with one another.   So that leaves me to deal with me.

Deep breaths. Exercise.  Rest.  And a warm bath if I'm in luck: That is my plan for this weekend.  If I manage to diffuse the eruption building under my surface, then I may repeat these steps again on Monday.