If you have ever had a hospital stay you will be familiar with this pain scale or one similar to it. Nurses regularly come in to your room, wake you from any attempt at a restful sleep, take your vitals, and ask you what number your pain threshold is. Well, I was a zero while I was sleeping, but now that you woke me up and I can feel my pain I am an 8 - thanks for asking. (Flashbacks to my last childbirth recovery stay is flooding my mind.) Currently as I type I would say I am at 3. My hip has been bothering me a lot tonight, and my son jumped on my leg today in such a way that my knee is still aching. I feel pain, but I'm handling it; I haven't even reached for the Ibuprofen that I keep on my bedside table.
I wish I had a pain scale for my husband to use with me. He wakes up in the morning and heads straight to the shower while I slowly ascend from the depths of morning sleep into semi-consciousness. He comes out of the bathroom, and I am often sitting on the side of the bed awaiting my time to stumble toward the shower. He says, "Good Morning. How are you feeling today?" Now after a decade of marriage I know he doesn't really care how I feel, it is just what he says to me in the morning. Sometimes I say, "Fine." or "I'm not sure yet." But this morning I said, "I hurt a lot". And his response back to me was eye opening. His response was, "So, no different from any other day."
As the words were barely out of his mouth, he walked out to get his morning coffee, and I sat on the bed thinking, did he really just say that to me? I was mad. How rude. I was hurt. How insensitive. But eventually, the emotion that lingered was sadness as I became aware that my weight was affecting his view of me.
He is right... I am usually in pain. I live in pain. Everyday I feel physical pain to some degree. I don't want this to be my story. I don't want my pain to limit my ability to have fun with my family or engage in life. But right now it does. I can't go on evening walks with my kids or bike rides that my husband loves. Last week I did manage a mile hike to a waterfall, but I was walking the pace that my three year old son kept with frequent stops to pick up sticks and leaves. I would love to ride a bike. Walk daily - maybe even learn how to run! Yet, most days I'm dealing with intense foot pain due to tendonitis of the Achilles and planters faciitis. There are days I can barely walk across the kitchen or down the stairs. A stroll down the street seems like a marathon. I deal with daily heartburn, back aches, headaches and digestive issues. It is not a picture of health. But it is my reality. It is a reality that is created by a 278 pound woman--me.
I need to own my reality, my pain. I am trying to forge a path out of this obesity. (I hate that word, but that is what I am dealing with, is it not?) I understand my health is affecting my husband and my children. I know that. But more than my weight is affecting them - my weight affects me-- EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am a human in pain. So instead of asking me how I am feeling today. I'd like my well meaning husband to realize I am always feeling pain and to ask me what is my pain number today. And if he's asking because he really does care, then he can hand me the Ibuprofen bottle on my nightstand before he heads to the kitchen for his coffee.
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